April Fools War

There is a great nation called America. And there is a temporary leader of this great nation. Temporary, presumably because those who founded the said great nation, over two centuries ago, did not feel it prudent to grant ruling power to any one person for an extended period of time.

One can guess the reasoning behind such thinking. However, perhaps never before has the wisdom of such a policy been more evident than this very moment, early in the 21st century.

Today we find ourselves involved in a clever new kind of military undertaking. One that is viewed by some as a hideous crime of previously unknown proportions. Others so love the idea, or at least the originators of it, they are simply dripping with patriotic, self-righteous fervor like a bunch of fried wantons dipped in sweet and sour sauce!

The rest of the population, and their numbers appear to grow daily, fall into two distinct classes: those who choose to bask in ignorant numbness and those who deal with such harsh realities by escaping into self-inflicted denial.

Who can blame them? For today, as these words are written, the great nation of America, under the firm guidance of its temporary leader, has embarked on a new kind of war. Actually, it is billed as a sort of a pre-defensive engagement of a potential future enemy. Think of it as a clever way of nipping a possible future attack on our country in the bud, as it were.

Confused? Don't be. It just means we fight a war so we don't have to fight a war.

Earlier today, the President of the United States, the Commander In Chief of the most powerful military force in the world, gazed grippingly at the TV cameras and the wrapped, exuberant faces of his listeners. Perched high above his captive audience of military personnel and civil servants, the President delivered each word and phrase with the smoldering glee of one who has mastered the art of preaching to the choir.

His message resounded like thunderclap waves shattering upon the pillars of freedom. No longer will America sit idle and wait for potential enemies to strike. No longer will we abide by international protocol and law when it comes to dealing with our suspected enemies, or even our imaginary ones. No longer will we shackle ourselves with such cumbersome nuisances as the burden of proof, either.

Our fearful leader issued a warning to the rest of the world: We are a peace loving people. We will deal with those whom we suspect might threaten our peace. We will have peace and we will do whatever it takes to protect our peace and we will keep on doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

So says our wonderful and wise temporary leader!

Thanks to his short time in office, a new day and age is upon us. No longer need we be sane and civil when it comes to those we suspect might have the motives and means to do us harm. Sufficient suspicions are all we henceforth require to act upon possible future threats in a decisive, unprovoked manner!

Why should we do this? Well, because it just makes sense. After all, just imagine how different it would have been if we had bombed the heck out of Germany long before the Japanese forced us into the war! We saw how Hitler was arming his nation. We saw how he invaded his weaker neighbors. We saw how he planed to go on to bigger and badder things.

We should have just gone in and bombed Germany straight away. Imagine the number of American lives that could have been saved! No matter that we didn't have the planes, nor the munitions to accomplish this task at that early state of World War II. In fact, it would not have been possible for America to get involved any sooner than we did; we needed time to arm, but still . . . that was then and this is now.

Now we are the most powerful country in the world. God blessed us with this military might, so God must be on our side. Heck, God even blessed us with a temporary leader who isn't afraid to stand up and say what needs saying . . . isn't afraid to do what he believes is right for us and the rest of the world.

Take a country like Iraq for example. Our President and his wise advisers know what to do with a country like that. The people are sheep, just like most other peoples of the world. But their leaders are evil. Just like most other leaders of the world, except of course for us and a few other nations.

Our leaders, though temporary, are nevertheless wise and good. God loves them. God loves America.

The people of Iraq have never had much of a say in their government; they've always had a king or some other kind of ruler to tell them what to do and when and how to do it. Heck, most of the population depends on government hand-outs to survive. Iraq is a nation where only the strong and the cunning are able to rise to power. It can be a biter, bloody struggle at best.

The current ruler has been in power a long time. Like many dictators the world has know, he governs with an iron fist. The people are oppressed and those who appose his wishes pay a heavy price.

Our President and his wise advisers are not happy with the way things are in Iraq. They especially don't like the dictator of Iraq and his régime. Our President and his advisers are also certain that the dictator of Iraq is producing and compiling weapons of mass destruction, even though there is no hard evidence of this.

They fear he might decide to take over the world someday. He might somehow develop so many weapons right under the noses of the rest of the world community that before anyone knows it, bam, they are conquered! Or there might be long wars fought to get rid of him, and his weapons. Another horror is that he might develop chemical and/or biological weapons and use them on the world.

Why would he do this, when as things stand now, he lives like a king in dozens of palaces and can have anything he wants? Never mind that . . . he still might give or sell his weapons to others who might destroy the world or at least attack us with them.

It's all this uncertainty about what he might or might not do that keeps our President and his wise advisers up at night, wringing their hands with worry. Such fears make them want to do something now, before it is too late. After all, remember Hitler . . .

Of course, there is also the vast oil reserves extant in Iraq. But our wise President and his wise advisers are not interested in that. Or they are interested in it to the extent that the oil must benefits all the people of Iraq. They are the rightful owners of it, aren't they? After all, the oil reserves of other nations belong to and benefit all of the people in those nations, so why should things be different in Iraq?

What do you mean you haven't received any dividend checks from our oil here in America? Well what about your right and ability to buy gas for your car? Ever think of that?

Anyway, back to our wonderful brave new world policy . . . .

Our President and his wise advisers have decided the people of Iraq want to be rid of their evil dictator and his regime. Perhaps this will also be a good lesson to the rest of the evil leaders of the world. Maybe if they see just how mighty and self-righteous we can be, they will understand that you are either with us or against us and it's our way or the highway, Jack!

But our President and his wise advisers knows how the American people can be; not to mention all those tree hugging greenie peaces . . . and don't forget the Democrats. Our wise temporary leader and his advisers know they spoon feed this new policy to us, at least this first time around. After all, people are sheep, remember? Give them a temporary leader that seems to know where s/he's going and the rest will fall in line, sooner or later.

So our President and his wise advisers know they must devise a clever plan that will include many baby steps, all leading to the happy liberation of Iraq. Here are just a few of the steps included in their clever plan:

First make noise about how the 911 terrorist attacks are connected to the dictator of Iraq.

Wait awhile and make noise about how the dictator failed to follow the rules laid out for him by the United Nations following his attempted invasion of Kuwait.

Wait patiently and then make more noise about how the evil dictator is hiding weapons of mass destruction. We have proof of this, of course. (If worse come to worse, we can remind the world that we provided the evil dictator with such weapons once upon a time when we needed him.)

Make more noise about how the 911 terrorist attacks are connected to the dictator of Iraq. Leak how he is hiding and aiding terrorists.
Demand that the United Nations hold the evil dictator accountable, even though no other nations are ever held accountable for anything and we haven't even paid all of our back dues so our own membership is uncertain. Tell them to put up or be forever irrelevant!

Make new noise about how the 911 terrorist attacks are connected to the dictator of Iraq.

Finagle another UN resolution. The newer date will be helpful and the vague allusion to serious consequences could and will be shown to mean whatever we want it to mean. Get some inspectors back into Iraq. Who knows, maybe they will even find something!?

While the inspections are going on, get other nations on board so that it will look like there is a coalition. Never mind that our President and his wise advisers are the real movers and shakers and that none of this would be happening if they hadn't first put the ball in motion.
Make new noise about how the 911 terrorist attacks are connected to the dictator of Iraq.

Put pressure on Iraq and the inspectors by demanding results, again suggesting we have proof and "prematurely" building up a military presence in the region.

Although many powerful nations see through our silly manipulative plan, pick one nation and blame everything on them. France? Perfect!
Impose impossible deadlines on the inspectors; continue building forces in the region to beyond the turning back point. Pat ourselves on the back for any Iraqi cooperation with the inspectors, claiming our military presence is the reason for said cooperation.

Make new noise about how the 911 terrorist attacks are connected to the dictator of Iraq.

Chastise the inspectors mercilessly. Present idiot and inconclusive mumbo-jumbo evidence to the UN Security Council with tons of confusing charts and computer graphics. When they don't buy it, give them a final ultimatum! Make the sane nations of the world who operate as real democracies appear to be the reason the UN has become irrelevant and dysfunctional.

Call for a final vote and then back out in disgust before the vote has been cast. Give the Iraq dictator 48 hours to get out of town knowing full well he will never do it.

Once the deadline passes, attack and destroy the government of Iraq with the most powerful, sophisticated military force in the world. Blame the dictator for not leaving the country when he had the chance. Some Americans will see through the deception (which amounts to telling a person to jump out a window on the 12th floor or you will kill him) but most will not. Of course all other sane peoples of the world will know us for what we are . . . arrogant fools who failed to understand the significant fundamental differences between us and the peoples of the middle east.

It doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks they know . . . even if they guess the real reasons our temporary leader and his wise advisers want to invade Iraq, by then it will be too late!

At this very moment we have decent, sincere men and women who are proud members of our armed forces fighting and winning a war they don't begin to understand. A war in which there will be no glory for them or anyone else. Ultimately, any victory will be both hollow and short lived.
Today is April Fools day. I say unto Our President and his so-called wise advisers, the manner in which you have abused and miss-used the power and responsibility placed upon you by the people of this great nation is appalling.

You have chosen to take us down a path of death and destruction. By turning your backs on the civilized people of the world and assuming the mantel of despots, you have shamed us all. Your self-righteous arrogance only proves how terribly out of touch you are with the very virtues and characteristics you presume to bestow upon the people of Iraq.

History will be your judge.

What a wonderful opportunity, if only we had allowed the nations of the world to work through the United Nations and the Security Council to right the wrongs perpetrated in Iraq. A chance now forever gone, crushed beneath the boots of marching warriors and machines of war.
If only we could awaken from this nightmare to find it is all just a bad dream! If only things had been different in Florida . . . If only this were an April Fools War.

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